Haunting Me
by karmakaze
Summary: Paige's parents find out about Matt, and begin to worry that she's seeking out unhealthy relationships. Paige looks back on her relationship with Matt, in a slightly delusional sense. Not sure if it'll be one-shot or chaptered.
1. Everytime

A/N: This story has Everytime by Britney Spears, which I don't own. I'm not a Britney fan, but I thought that the song was appropriate for this fic.

It was amazing how clear Paige's mind became as she sat on her bathroom floor, wishing her life away. Her boyfriend was about to be charged with statuary, she wasn't allowed to see any of her friends, and her father was sitting at the kitchen table, looking for someplace to send her. In a few, short hours; Paige's life would end. She was going to be sent away, to a place where beautiful people were never supposed to go. Rick belonged there. Dean belonged there. But not her. The captain of the Spirit Squad was not supposed to be locked away in a mental institute, forced to share her problems with someone who was paid to listen.

"Paige?" a masculine voice whispered to her.

If she closed her eyes for long enough, the cold tile and cheery yellow walls, confining Paige to her temporary refuge would disappear, and she would be real again.

She was in yoga class once more, and Matt was repositioning her arms while the other girls glared at her, enviously. Perhaps she knew that he was only her teacher, that he'd soon walk away from her to devote his attention to Heather Sinclair, or another reasonably attractive girl in the class. Perhaps she was really in the cloud of oblivion she claimed to live in. Perhaps she had tried to understand what attracted her to the grown man, and failed. Perhaps she didn't care.

She saw herself going to a mature party, where she didn't belong. She and Hazel were dressed in their cutest, most mature outfits, all in pursuit of an older guy Paige wanted to claim for herself. It was a familiar situation, but this time, Paige would be in control. She would repeat her past, trust someone she shouldn't, and drift into uncharted territory. But this time, she would be in control. Somehow, she would be in control, and prove that she was something other than what Dean had made her into.

_Notice me, take my hand_

_Why are we, strangers when _

_Our love is strong_

_Why carry on without me?_

"Paige?" her mother called from the other side of the door. "Paige, please come out! We want to help you. We're not angry. Paige…"

"You want to lock me up," Paige said matter-of-factly, as a tear streamed down her cheek. "You think I'm crazy."

"Paige," her mother protested. "I can't discuss this with you through the bathroom door."

"Precisely why I'm in here," Paige responded. It wasn't in her nature to be so avoidant, but now was definitely a good time for that approach.

Manny had witnessed Paige and Matt's first kiss. And, whether it was out of spite for her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, or truly "concern" as the younger girl claimed, Manny had gone to the counselor, who had contacted Paige's parents. And, instead of regaining her control, Paige had, once again, become someone's victim.

"Paige. We love you. We want to get you help."

Paige leaned back against the bathroom wall. _Help _was the last thing she needed. Dean was supposed to help her feel good about herself. What could boost a girl's confidence more than a handsome, older boy swooning over her, when he could have anyone he wanted? She thought that dating Dean would put her on top of the world, but her plan fell in reverse. Spinner was supposed to help her heal, but he dumped her for the school slut. Matt was supposed to help her feel powerful again. That was just the remedy for someone who needed to be controlled. _More _help. Instead of letting a boy control her, she could let a doctor control her. And instead of having a trophy girlfriend, they would have money out of her parents' wallet.

_Every time I try to fly, I fall_

_Without my wings, I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

Paige shut her eyes again, and found herself reliving her last get-together with Matt. He was kissing her, more passionately than he ever had before. It was making her uncomfortable, but she didn't stop him. She could have said, "No," before it was too late. But Paige had learned, a couple short years ago, how little that word really meant.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked her.

Paige nodded. "Yeah," she lied. _Not that he really cared._

Sometimes, when she looked at Matt, Paige could see Dean in her mind's eye. Dean and Matt were completely different people, but she had put herself in the same situation. Too many things about her new relationship reminded her of the old one. Seeing him at a bar, where she wasn't supposed to be. Going along with his motives, oblivious to the fact that she was rendering herself helpless.

It didn't matter. She was still in control. As long as she convinced herself that she wanted this, she was still in control. And that was why she needed Matt.

And every time I see you in my dreams I see your face, it's haunting me I guess I need you baby 

In the middle of her reminiscent love scene, Paige's consciousness briefly drifted into reality. She had somehow moved from the bathroom to her bed. Perhaps her parents were putting off sending her away, at least for the night. Nothing would happen until she woke up. As soon as she did, she would be sent away, her boyfriend would be arrested, and the world would blame her. The only way to avoid it was to sleep for as long as she could.

Her eyes closed, and the scene returned. This time, Matt wasn't telling her that he was leaving Degrassi. He wasn't telling herthat she meant nothing to him. Instead, he had set up a candlelit dinner at his apartment, and was serving her favorite Chinese dish.

"Wow," Paige smiled. "Did you make this?" she asked, as he brought out food.

He laughed lightly. "Sure I did. Or, at least hid the takeout box."

Paige appreciated his joke, but could tell that something more important was on his mind. "Paige," he whispered. "I love you. And I always want to be with you. You know that, right?"

_I make believe that you are here_

_It's the only way I see clear_

In reality, Matt was miles from Paige, reestablishing his life in a big city somewhere, where he had little chances of running in to anyone from Degrassi. Anyone who knew what had happened. In reality, he was probably cursing Paige's existence, blaming her for everything that had happened. That was the hopeful possibility. If he blamed her, at least he was still thinking about her. It was probably too much to hope for.

_What have I done_

_You seem to move on easy_

Paige logged on to her computer, and opened her e-mail. Her heart jumped as she saw the icon at the corner of her screen, indicating that Matt had written.

_Dear Paige,_

_It's been fun, but I'm not going to stick around and wait to get arrested because you had a crush. Face it, Paige. It was all in your head. And, if anyone asks, we were never together. I'm sorry, but I'm under a lot of pressure right now, trying to start a career and everything, and this is the last thing I need. I'm sorry._

Paige felt as if her heart was humming, rather than beating. A sense of numbness encased her entire body. _I had a crush_? Paige wondered bitterly. Hadn't she lied to her parents, and pretended to be spend the night at Ashley's so she could hook up with Matt? Hadn't they exchanged a kiss few feet from Degrassi's campus? Had she really imagined it all?

_And every time I try to fly, I fall_

_Without my wings, I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

Paige crawled back into bed, and pulled the covers over her head, to return to the only place where things went her way. It was strange how, every time she dreamed, she would either see Matt or Dean. And sometimes, everyone and everything that affected her seemed to combine into one person that her mind labeled as one of the two. Matt was nothing like Dean. But sometimes, lately, it was easy to forget.

_And every time I see you in my dreams_

_I see your face; it's haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby_

As if in a trance, Paige crawled out of bed, and returned to the bathroom, where she locked her door and turned on the shower. As the water poured onto her body, Paige progressively turned it up. No matter how hot it became, she could barely feel it. That was when she started to shave. She had made a few cuts, by accident, but they didn't hurt much more.

_I may have made it rain_

_Please forgive me_

_My weakness caused you pain_

_This song's my sorry_

When Paige finally turned the shower off, and reached for a towel, she noticed that her skin was bright red, and her legs were bleeding. Instinctively, she opened her cabinet in search of a few band-aids. When she had covered every wound, she ran cold water over a washcloth, and ran it over her body. How could she not have felt her skin burning the way it was? And how could she sit here, bandaging her wounds, but not even care that she had caused them?

_The same way she could go after an older guy who was off limits after her previous experience with Dean. _Matt hadn't been a rapist, but she had let him control her, the way she had vowed never to be controlled again. She had basically let him use her, and told herself that everything he wanted was what she wanted. It was the only way she could pretend to be powerful again.

"God," she whispered, as a tear faintly crossed her cheek. "What is wrong with me?"

_At night I pray_

_That soon your face will fade away_

This might have been Paige's last glimpse of freedom, and she was using it to punish herself for needing to be punished. It was completely illogical, but somehow, in her mind, it made sense.

_And every time I try to fly, I fall_

_Without my wings, I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

Her parents would find her, and take her away to get help. She didn't know if she was dreaming or not, but in some form of reality, her doctor looked exactly like Matt, with Spinner's hairstyle. He was smiling suggestively, and she couldn't quite make sense of who he was. He was everyone, at the same time. On closer inspection, he was smiling, with his mouth closed, and his head slightly tilted to one side. His eyes were a deep chestnut, like Hazel's. His face was completely unrecognizable, a blend of every person who ever had any affect on her. And he constantly changed. Sometimes, he had human features, and sometimes he was just a shadow. But none of this haunted her as much as his first words, directed at her.

"Hello, Spirit."

_And every time I see you in my dreams,_

_I see your face; it's haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby_


	2. Thoughtless

**A/N: This chapter contains the song "Thoughtless" which was originally done by Korn, I believe, but I took the covered lyrics from Evanescence. It contains violence and memories of Paige's abuse. Just a warning.**

* * *

The figure in Paige's dreams wasn't Matt, and it definitely wasn't Dean. A psychologist would have said that her subconscious was wearing the idea of both men combined as a mask for something deeper. But Paige didn't want to be psychoanalyzed. The dreams were like self-mutilation. They were always horrifying in some way, but sometimes, for brief moments, she would come across something in them that was oddly reassuring.

While her life was empty and coarse, surrounded by white walls, her dreams had taken on a sequence of their own. There were about three different story lines that would pick up where the last ones had left off, and it had almost become a second life. While most people shut off from life when they slept, Paige entered a new one, which combined her lightest fantasy with her most shockingly horrible nightmare, twisting into a beautifully unpleasant epic that, despite her halfhearted trying, she wasn't able to shake.

"Paige?" adoctor asked softly.

She could feel voices pounding through her skull, shaking her from her second reality.

'I don't want to you,' Paige thought grimly. 'Why can'tyou leave me alone?'

The scene began to fade, and Dean pulled up in his former car that she had used Spinner's to destroy. "What do you say I get you out of here?" he asked.

"No," Paige insisted firmly. "I'm not _going _with you. You're just going to use me."

"Paige," the nurse repeated.

Dean shrugged. "Your choice."

"Paige!"

She wanted, in every ounce of her being, to scream, but her body wouldn't cooperate. Instead, it betrayed her, and obliged to Dean.

"I knew you'd come around," Dean mused. He put his foot on the pedal, and began to drive. Paige watched the dial on his speed indicator fly to its top setting. She didn't want to be here, but at least it was _away_. _Wasn't _it?

Paige sighed, not wanting to look at him. "I didn't do it for you," she insisted. "I just want to get away from that damn hospital."

_All my hate cannot be bound_

_I will not bedrowned by your thoughtless scheming_

Dean smiled perversely. "You made the right choice."

Paige noticed that he was starting to slow the car, into a driveway. Despite herself, she turned to face him. "Where are you taking me?" she demanded.

As quickly as Paige's sanity had declined, Dean had become Matt. "I didn't rape you, you know," he said softly. "That's what your friends told you, because they don't want you to love me."

_Now you can try to tear me down_

Paige's muscles tensed. "You _didn't _rape me," she agreed. "Dean did. Wh…what happened. You _were _Dean."

"Shh," Matt said. "It's all in your head, Paige."

With that, he leaned in, and pressed his lips against hers. In her rational mind, Paige would have hated every minute of it. But now, she was eager to give in.

"Come with me, Paige," Matt whispered.

"Why?" Paige demanded.

Matt got out of the car. "You have to trust me, Paige."

"Why?" Paige repeated, unfastening her seatbelt and exiting the car. "I have no reason to."

"Who else loves you?" he asked, softly but firmly. "Spinner replaced you with Manny. Your parents think you're crazy, and as far as your friends are concerned, you're as good as dead. You're mentally ill; Paige, and they're not going to let you out in time to complete your year, let alone high school. Hazel and Ashley are going to graduate. You'll never change in their world. This is where you belong. So stay with me."

_Beat me to the ground, Iwill see you screaming_

Paige looked down, to escape his gaze. "But I don't want to belong here," she protested. "I want to be real."

"This _is_ real," he insisted. "Come with me."

Paige nodded, and followed him into the house. The dream sequence began to blur, and she became almost robotic, unaware of where she was, or what she was doing. When her consciousness returned, she realized that she was upstairs, about to relive her assault. "I can't do this!" she insisted. "Please. Not again."

The man she spoke to was not much more than a formless shadow. In this light, Paige had no idea if she was speaking to Matt or Dean. All she knew was that she was in trouble. "You're not going anywhere," he said, with a light, taunting laugh. "You're the reason I do this. I don't do this for my own enjoyment." He took in a sharp breath before continuing. "I do it because _you _want it, Paige. And don't fucking forget it."

_Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies_

'He wont,' Paige reassured herself. 'He wouldn't. Not again.'

_Pushing all the mercy down, down, down_

The moment where she realized that he was betraying her was always the most agonizing. She remembered the first time, when it had happened in her other reality. Not only had he betrayed her, but the whole world had assisted him. All of the security, love, and morality in the world had crashed into a thousand pieces, each cutting her deeper than the last.

_I want to see you try to take a swing at me_

The man of her nightmares laughed again. "Keep screaming, Paige. No one cares how you feel. They know you're nothing but a filthy whore."

Desperately, Paige tried to think of some way she could escape what was happening.

_Come on, going to put you on the ground, ground, ground_

"Here you go," he said, handing her a cell phone. "Call your mommy and daddy. I'm sure your doctor would love to know all about this."

_Why are you trying to make fun of me_

_You think it's funny, what the fuck you think it's doing to me_

"What the fuck did I ever do?" Paige whispered weakly. "You fucking bastard."

The man continued to laugh. "You exist, Paige. That's enough."

_You take your turn lashing out at me_

_I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me_

"Paige!" a woman's voice shouted. "_Paige_! Paige, wake up!"

Paige let out a scream as the rape scene was replaced with the tauntingly white walls. 'What am I doing here?' Paige wondered.

She immediately felt a sense of filthiness, covering her body. Like she was too disgusting to live. "I want to take a shower," Paige announced, stepping out of her bed.

"Okay," she said pleasantly. "But then, we're going to talk."

'God,' Paige thought. 'No.'

She nodded weakly, and stepped in the shower. She found a small ziplock bag of toiletries, which did not include a razor or nail clippers. This was going to be fun.

She then noticed that her only razor was an electric, the kind that was virtually impossible to nick yourself with.

'Damn.'

Paige turned the knob on the shower, and began to turn up the water hotter than she usually liked it. As she scrubbed furiously at her seemingly filthy skin, Paige continued to turn up the water. No matter how hot it became, she was numb to the burning sensation. After taking one of the longest showers she had ever endured, Paige reluctantly realized that there was no way out of talking to the doctor. "Alright," she said weakly. Paige got dressed again, and finally left the bathroom, feeling even more drained and exhausted than she had when she entered.

"All right, Paige," the doctor said calmly. "Sit wherever you like."

Not wanting to return to her bed, Paige took a seat at the small table in her room.

"I'm not crazy," Paige breathed. "I want to go home."

"I understand, Paige. I'm Dr. Newman," she said, extending her hand for Paige to shake. Paige nervously obliged. "No one is accusing you of being crazy," Dr. Newman said. "But your family is concerned about you, and it's my job to figure out what's upsetting you."

Paige sighed. "_Nothing _is upsetting me," she said bluntly. "Now, can I please go home?"

Dr. Newman shook her head. "You were screaming in your sleep," she said calmly. "That's why I had to wake you up."

Paige shrugged. "It's none of your business."

It wasn't like Paige to be this rude, but right now she didn't trust anyone. Especially a doctor who was paid to take her parents' side, convince her she was wrong, and throw her back into the same world, that would be just as messed up as it was when she left it, regardless of how smoothly she had recovered.

"Paige. It's very normal in cases like yours to have nightmares about the abuse," Dr. Newman said calmly.

_All my hate cannot be bound_

"I didn't tell you about that," Paige stiffened. "And I _don't _want to talk about it."

I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming 

Dr. Newman nodded. "I understand, Paige. But that's why you _need_ to talk about it. If you feel this threatened by the topic, then it's probably something we need to discuss."

_Now, you can try to tear me down_

f"Alright," Paige sighed, leaning back in her chair. "It was about Dean. Are you happy?"

"It's a start," the doctor acknowledged. "How long ago did you have this experience with Dean?"

"Grade nine," Paige sighed. "I'm in grade eleven now."

"So, two years," Dr. Newman concluded. "And, tell me about the relationships you've had since then."

"I dated Spinner up until a while after Dean's trial," Paige remembered.

"And, what happened there?" Dr. Newman asked.

Too much interrogating, and Paige was lost again. "I don't remember," Paige lied. Maybe if she really were crazy, they would leave her alone, and let her sleep. A shudder went through her body, as she realized what the alternative to her waking life would entail.

"Try," Dr. Newman encouraged. "The sooner we can sort through your problems, the sooner you_ can_ go home."

Paige wasn't sure if that was good or bad. She didn't really want to face her family again, but she felt guilty about leaving her friends in the dark. "Dean won the trial, and I wrecked Spinner's car in order to destroy Dean's."

_Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming_

"And Spinner broke up with you?" Dr. Newman asked.

Paige shook her head. "Not right away. At first, I promised to pay him back. But then he started treating me badly, and fell for this other girl, and I broke up with him. I'm still going to pay him back, but we don't talk anymore."

Dr. Newman nodded gravely. "I see."

Suddenly, Paige began to feel dizzy, as if she were about to return to her previous stage. 'No,' she thought wearily. 'Please don't let this happen again.'

"Paige? Paige? Are you alright?"

Paige definitely was not all right. She was holding a gun, and staring lividly at Dean, who she had managed to tie to a chair in the room where she had been raped about an hour prior. She felt powerful, despite her mostly righteous nature. All she could feel was hatred for the man who had, and continued to destroy her.

_Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies_

_I'm above you, smiling down, down, down _

_I want to kill and rape you the way you raped me_

"Paige," he pleaded. "No. Please, no. I'm sorry. If you let me go, I'll never…"

But Paige wasn't listening. Instead, she shot him in the stomach, guaranteeing him a few more, agonizing moments of life. Shortly after, she lit a match, and dropped it, inches from his feet.

And I'll pull the trigger and you're down, down, down 

"Paige!" he shouted. "Paige. Why the fuck would you do something like this?"

Paige let out an earth-shaking scream, realizing that the man she was killing was not Dean, or Matt.

"Paige!" Hazel shouted desperately, from a nearby room. "Paige! Don't leave me in here!"

Paige gasped. What was Hazel doing in here? Paige started to run, as smoke filled through the house. Everything was on fire, but she remained unharmed. "PAIGE!" another voice screamed.

"What's going on?" Paige shouted desperately. "Where are you all?"

Dean stood, tauntingly, at the bottom of the stairs. "They're dying, Spirit. You killed them. Everyone. Your stupid little friends from Spirit Squad. Your family. Your sad little boyfriend you brought to the trial. Everyone's dying. And it's all because of you." He laughed lightly. "I knew you were no better than me."

_Why are you trying to make fun of me_

_You think it's funny, what the fuck you think it's doing to me_

_You take your turn lashing out at me_

_I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me_

Screams tore through Paige's mind. "TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!" she shouted desperately, searching for a fire extinguisher, or a phone, or anything that could help the people she cared about.

Paige woke up, with an IV in her arm. She realized that she had a few moments before anyone would realize that she was awake. Why had her mind done this to her? Paige would never kill anyone. Not even Dean. And now, everyone had been destroyed. All because she couldn't control herself. Because she was losing her mind.

_All of my hate cannot be bound_

_I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming_

"Are you awake?" Dr. Newman asked.

"I killed my best friend," she whispered to herself. "I killed Hazel."

"You've been here, this whole time," Dr. Newman said. "You didn't kill anyone, Paige."

"Everyone is gone," Paige told her. "And it's all because of me."

After a bit more prodding, Dr. Newman gave Paige a pill that would help her sleep, without disturbance. Paige slipped the pill down her shirt, and drank the water. She didn't need to be medicated. What was she doing, here, in a hospital, when Hazel had just died? She needed to find Hazel's parents, and confess. She needed to be thrown in jail. She would be caught. It was just her luck. But Dean would neverendure an ounce of blame.

_Now you can try to tear me down_

_Beat me to the ground; I will see you screaming_

Paige pulled the IV out of her arm, wincing as the needle slid out of her vein, and stumbled to the bathroom to find something to cover the wound. When no Band-Aids presented themselves, Paige found the small suitcase her mother had packed, and settled for her black jacket.

'If they know who I am, they'll stop me,' Paige thought.

Her long, blonde hair was a dead giveaway. 'Fuck,' she thought angrily, wishing she could find some scissors. Finding nothing, Paige tucked her hair into the hood of her jacket. It would have to do.

Paige anxiously stepped out of her room, to find that the door was not guarded, but that nurses roamed the hallway. Paige's mind began to blur again, as a random nurse approached her. "What are you doing out here?" a male nurse asked.

As Paige began to lose consciousness, the nurse became the Matt/Dean hybrid from her nightmares. "What are you going to do now, Paige?" the figure asked, taking on a combination of their features. "Your best friend is dead, your parents abandoned you, and now you're stuck here. I'm all you have left. Think about it, Spirit."

Paige. Spirit. Matt. Dean. Nothing in Paige's mind was separate. It all seemed to blend into one puddle of mess. Hazel was only dead in her dream world, but that didn't matter. If Hazel was dead, than Hazel was dead. And she was fully responsible.

_All my friends are gone_

_They died_

_They all screamed and cried_

"I would rather be killed than stay with you!" Paige screamed.

"You don't like me?" the figure asked. "Then challenge me. I'm ready."

Paige tried to throw a punch, but Dean/Matt was unaffected. "Nice try, but it's not doing much," he said dully.

_I'm going to take you down_

_Going to take you down_

_Going to take you down_

_Going to take you down_

The male nurse saw Paige lying unconscious on the floor, and read her bracelet, which informed him of where she _should _have been.

Paige felt herself being dragged. The figure was slowly becoming Matt, rather than Dean, but it hardly mattered anymore. She was being dragged somewhere, against her will. Once again, she was being defeated, and was powerless to stop it.

_All of my hate cannot be bound _

_I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming _

_Now you can try to tear me down_

_Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming now_

"You found her in the middle of the hall?" Dr. Newman asked. "That's strange," she said, pacing in her office. "I gave her medication, to keep her stable, at least for the night. Did she say anything, or do anything, before she collapsed?"

The male nurse thought for a moment. "She said that she killed her best friend, and seemed to be blaming whoever she was talking to. She was kind of mumbling, so I couldn't really make out what she was saying."

Hazel waited angrily by the phone, for someone to call with information on her best friend. Everyone at school had called Paige's room, or her mother, at least once, hoping for the smallest piece of information, but no one would talk to them.

When the phone finally rang, Hazel dove for it, without even checking the caller ID.

"Hello," Hazel said, trying not to sound as desperately anxious as she felt.

"Hi, is this Hazel?" Paige's mother asked.

"Yes," Hazel encouraged. "How's Paige."

"The doctor says that she really wants to see you," Paige's mother began. "I wasn't sure if that was a great idea, because her condition is still very unstable, but her doctor thinks that it would do her some good."

"They're allowing visitors now?" Hazel asked hopefully.

"They made an exception for you," Paige's mother explained. "Hopefully, it will do Paige some good."

"Thank you _so _much!" Hazel said brightly.

"Hazel's not dead," Dr. Newman said gently. "She's coming to visit you this afternoon. Won't that be nice?"

"She can't come visit me," Paige said dully. "She's…"

"Paige, listen," Dr. Newman pleaded. "You've been hallucinating. Whatever you're seeing is upsetting you quite a bit, but it's not real, Paige. And Hazel's coming to prove it to you."

Hazel's figure walked through the door, and Paige felt an icy shiver flow through her body. "Paige!" Hazel said, entering the room. "How are you?"

For a moment, Paige didn't speak.

"I'll leave you alone for a moment," Dr. Newman said.

Hazel took a seat by Paige's bed. "I was so worried about you," Hazel said. "I called _so _many times yesterday, but I couldn't get through. Are you feeling any better?"

Tears began to flow from Paige's eyes. "Oh my God. She was right."

"_Who _was right?" Hazel asked.

"She said that…"

"What are you talking about?" Hazel reiterated.

Paige sighed. "Oh, God. Hazel. I thought…"

"_What_?" Hazel encouraged.

Paige found herself at a loss for words. There was no way she could tell Hazel what was happening to her. Not only would it tear her apart for the world to know what was happening to her, but it would also worry Hazel more than Paige wanted. "I thought something had happened to you," she said, lamely. "I don't know why. I just did."

"It's okay, Paige," Hazel said. "You're my best friend. You're going to get help here, and you're going to get better."

"I hope so," Paige said weakly. "But I don't want to talk about myself. What's going on at school? How is everyone?"

They began to talk the way they always did, but Paige wasn't as content as she pretended to be.

After Hazel left, Dr. Newman returned. "What's wrong with me?" Paige asked, feeling lower than dirt.

"Well…" Dr. Newman said. "We'll have to examine you a bit further. But it seems as if you're suffering some severe posttraumatic stress disorder, which is contributing to a number of other problems. But _what _you are isn't as important as what we're going to do to help you. You frequently lose consciousness, and end up in another world. At first, they were just dreams, but it's getting to the point where you can't distinguish between your dreams and reality."

Paige shut her eyes, and hugged her knees at her chest. "So, what you're saying is, I can't control myself. That I'm acting out these perverse cycles in my mind because I'm mad at Dean for what he did to me."

All my hate cannot be bound I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming 

"Yes and no," Dr. Newman said. "There's nothing perverse about you, and you have every right to resent Dean. The problem is that you're carrying this resentment into places where it doesn't belong, and it's starting to control your life."

Paige continued to listen, but at the back of her mind, she could see Matt beckoning her back into her second reality. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Paige. I'm sorry. Please come back."

_Now you can try to tear me down_

_Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming_


	3. Not Guilty

A/N: This chapter is a bit short. I apologize, but it's kind of a bridge between Paige in the hospital, and the later scenes.

"Paige."

The tall, handsome figure stood a safe distance away from her, waiting for her decision. She looked around, to get some sense of where her second reality had taken her this time, but there wasn't so much as solid ground beneath her feet. It would assume whatever form she needed it to, but the knowledge remained that it would disappear beneath her if she were to take it for granted. Matt's image was the same way. If, for a single second, she allowed herself to be too pulled in to her fantasized idea of him, he would become Dean. Or worse, disappear forever, and there would be nothing to replace him in her thoughts.

He took a step toward her, and tried to lean in for a kiss. She turned away abruptly, and a look of hurt formed on his face. "Not yet," Paige said, defying her nerves, and staring him into the eyes. "I need to know who you are. As soon as I trust you for a moment, you'll be him again."

"Him?" Matt asked. "There's no _him_ here. There's _you_ and me. Where's your mind, Paige?"

Paige took a seat on nothing, as the dream was completely devoid of anything, save for the two people. A salty bead of water formed between Paige's eyelashes, as she considered how to answer his question. "Where it's always been, Matt. Where I left it, two years ago. Where it was stolen from me, and never given back."

Paige wished she had something to distract her from bursting into tears. Having no alternative, she shut her eyes and tried almost effortlessly to drift out of her second world. Not to return to her first, but to travel even farther from her origin. Perhaps the only way to clear her mind was to lose herself completely.

"We're here to help."

It was an echo from the "real" world, intruding on Paige's delusion. Paige smiled ironically, and started to laugh. She was trapped in a place she didn't recognize, once again facing Dean. None of this registered in her mind. "They want to help me," she said. She laughed, as if it were the punch line to her favorite joke. She thought back to the exact moment that had destroyed her life. She was there again, reliving it. But, for once, it didn't seem real. "I kept asking for help," she whispered. "But that was when I realized that the world didn't exist to protect me. That what I wanted didn't matter. I wasn't beautiful. I didn't have nice eyes. I was just some whore named Paige, getting what she deserved."

She laughed again, and the scene disappeared. At first Paige thought it was restarting, but it turned out to be a different event altogether, taking place in a college dormitory. Dean was leading a drunken girl up the stairs, through the door to an empty room. Paige tried to scream, to warn the girl, but nothing could come of it. The situation became worse and worse, and the girl, like Paige, was helpless to escape.

For a split second, Dean turned to face Paige. "I never have to stop," he told her. "I'm not guilty."

Paige felt a falling sensation in her body, as she woke up in her first reality. She had no idea what time it was, but the room was dark. More importantly, she was alone.

_I can't stay here_, Paige thought to herself. _I have to stop him myself._


End file.
